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In Priya Parker’s excellent newsletter this week, she talks about the “Art of Guesting” during the holidays, and how to be in discernment about what we say yes and no to. She encourages us to “RSVP with a decisive yes or a connected no.” She says,
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When it comes to invitations, don't be a maybe. Unless the host literally says, "no need to RSVP, come by if the spirit moves!" ambivalence doesn’t serve anyone. Ambivalence takes energy: It keeps the question open in your head and the host's. By inviting you to a gathering, the host is throwing you a ball. By RSVP'ing yes or no, you're throwing the ball back.
(Note: It’s worse to say "yes" and then flake at the last minute than to say "no" cleanly and early on.)
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Did you catch that? Ambivalence doesn’t serve anyone. Ambivalence takes energy.
I often joke that life in the Pacific Northwest involves constant “maybe’s.” We like to keep our options open. We are a fiercely autonomous bunch—loathe to commit in case something better comes along, or in case we are too burned out when the event rolls around.
What are your “decisive yes’s” and “connected no’s” in this season and beyond? Whenever we say no to something, we are making space for a yes. And when we say yes to something, hopefully it’s a “Hell, yes!”
I said no to something this week, and replied in my email, “I am keeping my schedule light this month.” And what am I keeping it light for? I don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Ambivalence takes energy. We think we are keeping our options open, but really we are dispersing our energy. The mystics in the contemplative Christian tradition urge us to “keep the door of the steam bath closed.” We are allowed to keep some heat for ourselves. And we don’t even have to share about it afterward!
This is a perfect time of year for a little “Ambivalence Audit.” Get cleaner and clearer with yourself and with those in your orbit. Risk enthusiasm with a “Hell, yes!” Risk letting someone down with a “No, thank you.” And enjoy the energy you get back.
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